Nothing sounds like a better plan to prepare for a track and field competition than pounding down a few vodka and Red Bull’s to get yourself loose for the competition.  At least that’s what Russian high jumper Ivan Ukhov must have been thinking this past week when he entered the Athletissima meet and prepared himself by downing a few of those bad boys.

Ukhov is now being called in by track and field’s rulling body (which is apparently so lame they don’t even have initials) to explain his actions.  Maybe Ukhov was stupid enough to fall into the Red Bull marketing slogan and hoped that he would get wings and be able to fly over the bar.  Unfortuantely that didn’t work out, and as any (intelligent) person would be able to predict, Ukhov was unable to clear the bar on any of his attempts, and was then asked by organizers to leave.

Luckily for Ukhov, drunking is not technically banned in athletic competition, and neither is stupidity so he should get off relatively lightly.  Although the major concern here should not be why he was drinking before the meet, or how he should be punished, the msot important thing here is why the hell was he mixing the vodka.  He is Russian and not to stereotype, they’re supposed to be able to handle vodka like champs.  Hell I can take shots of vodka straight and I’m not even of Russian descent.  This serves as an official notice to Russia, stop worrying about invading Georgia and start worrying about making sure your athletes don’t embarrass you by having to mix your national drink.

I read this story in the International Herald Tribune and was so compelled by it that I felt I had to give my thoughts on this heroic man. His name is Oscar Pistorius and he’s from South Africa. He was born a double amputee below his knees and now rocks prosthetic carbon-fiber blades below his knees that enable him to run. And Oscar runs….fast.

Pistorius has been invited to race in the 400 meter at the Norwich Union Grand Prix in Sheffield, England this weekend. This race won’t be against others who are disabled like Oscar. No, this will be against guys who are fully able and haven’t ever had to deal with the pressure of racing on legs that weren’t real. They don’t know adversity like Oscar does. But that adversity is something that has made Oscar stronger. In races during the Paralympics, Pistorius beat competitors in the 400 by over 100 meters. No small feat. Now he gets to try against former Olympians. Remember Jeremy Wariner from the past summer Olympics? He might be one of the fastest white people I’ve ever seen. Remember former gold medalist in the relay Darold Williamson from the United States? They’ll both be racing against Pistorius.

This is one of those stories that strikes you in a different way from most. It’s a story that shines as an example of courage, overcoming obstacles that most people wouldn’t be strong enough to, and a story of hope for athletes, both able and disabled, who want to do something powerful with their lives. I don’t care if he’s the favorite in this race and I don’t care if he’s a long shot in the race. The fact that he’s come this far and overcome so much and gets to compete against Olympians despite being born a double amputee is remarkable in itself. This is quickly becoming a world where stories like this go untold and all you hear about is Pacman this and Tank Johnson that. These are the stories that count. These are the ones that people should care about. People always look for role models. If you ask me, Oscar Pistorius raced his way right to the top of my list.

Need a payday cash advance? Marion Jones does. According to the LA Times, the former track superstar has a mere $2,000 left to her name. She’s so desperate to pay off bills that she was forced to sell off her mother’s house that Marion had bought for her. Talk about a turn of events. I’d imagine being able to buy your mother a house is one of the most rewarding things a person can do. Marion did that. Then she took it away.

It’s pretty incredible to think how fast Jones fell. Just seven years ago she was ripping gold medals in the Olympics and becoming the most popular figure in adult gym track and field. Her five gold medals in the 2000 Olympics were an adult gym a track and field record and Jones was a face that was worth five figures at any appearance she made. So where’d the money go?

I know of one place where her money didn’t go. I also think I know of a place where her money did go. But hey, I’m not here to point fingers. I don’t know what she did or didn’t do during that time. What I do know is that she’s out of money. And isn’t it fulfilling to know that you’re probably worth more than Marion Jones? Think about it. You have more money than a professional athlete who won five gold medals at one point. Pretty good feeling huh?

The story of Marion Jones is a very interesting one. From gold medals and fame to being married to that guy who looks like Ruben Studdard, ‘roiding up (allegedly), and now being completely out of cash. I guess you can’t run your way out of this one, can you Marion?

Usually, we refrain from posting criminal stories unless they involve professional athletes. But in the case of Tom Porras, a track coach at Saguaro High School, I’m going to make an exception. Most high school coaches are creepy as all hell. Porras is a bit more than creepy. He’s a part time masseuse, part time pedophile.

Porras invited a 17 year old member of the track team to his house, promising her an “athletic massage.” Where I come from, massages usually aren’t performed on teenage girls by their coach but I digress. As expected, the massage became all sorts of weird.

Porras told her to put on her two-piece bathing suit, and led her to a loft where he asked her to sit on an exercise ball. He massaged her neck and shoulders then asked her to roll onto her stomach. He fondled her buttocks beneath her bathing suit. Porras kissed her neck, cheeks and buttocks, and told her that if she had questions about sex, he would answer them. She declined. The girl told police she “felt uncomfortable, but didn’t know what to do.” She became alarmed when he ejaculated on her. He told her it was massage oil.

Johnny Drama can vouch for a happy ending at his local massage parlor but this is a bit much. Porras, the piece of shit that he is, was charged with one count of sexual assault and another count for indecency. As the girl was leaving, Porras told her to be on the lookout for his son. If she was confronted, she was instructed to say they were watching “sports videos” together. The Siamese Masseuse does not approve.

Gail Devers won the 60 meter hurdles at the Millrose Games yesterday. Yes, this is the same Gail Devers who is forty years old and delivered a child only 19 months ago. Devers posted the fastest time in the world this season, and was 0.12 seconds off of the United States record.

I honestly don’t see how this is possible. I’m not saying that Devers isn’t a phenomenal athlete, she definitely is, but at 40 she is also definitely past her prime. She shouldn’t be posting these times, it just isn’t the way the human body is supposed to work. She should have peaked in her early to mid twenties, not in her late thirties and forties.

And it isn’t as though Devers was facing a field of washed up people either. She was facing some of the worlds best and fastest. How did she win? My guess is simple. She has found the best concoction of steroids. I don’t care who you are, your body just isn’t supposed to do that at the age of 40. Especially since she just had a child.

I’m not saying that she can’t do it, but the layoff she had to have taken just to have the child is certainly a long time. I’m sure she also took off time to take care of the child when it was first born as well. What does that leave us? About a year long layoff for a 39-40 year old. And you’re telling me that she can win a competition like this? I’m sorry, I just don’t buy it.

In a day that’s pretty dry of good sports stories, I’m digging deep. This article is covering tennis (wheelchair) and track and field. Fortunately, it’s also covering Sportable’s favorite topic: idiocy and morons. Because I’m sick and tired of Floyd Landis’ story, I won’t be discussing him within this but rather, two more amusing stories.

We kick off with wheelchair tennis player Meliha Karic. She got banz0red for two years for failing a drug test. But it appears she wasn’t using the supplements in an effort to enhance her performance. Then what the hell was she using them for? Was she testing the system? Did she have a cough and instead of taking Robitussin, she took a metabolite? It’s very confusing. If I was set on taking a banned substance, I’d make it worth my while. We’ll likely see an appeal here, mainly because the banning reason is a bit odd: “failing to take personal responsibility to ensure that the medication was permitted under the anti-doping rules.” I’ve never actually seen wheel chair tennis but I doubt the market is very big for doping in this sport.

But the better story comes in form of Shanti Soundarajan, an Indian track star who was banned for “not possessing the sexual characteristics of a woman.” She (Whoops, I mean he) won a silver medal at the Asian Games. The thing cheats and can’t even win the gold? That’s pretty sad. There’s an official stating that Sounderajan “almost certainly never had sex-change surgery,” instead blaming it on abnormal chromosomes. I think I know how to determine this. Take off Shanti’s pants and make your decision based on what you see. Boy or girl, Shanti is one ugly thing.