If you’ve ever visited Hawaii, you may know the Hawaiians love their spam as much as they love waves and beaches. Shane Victorino, the only Hawaiian in Major League Baseball (by my estimation), is no exception. Known as the “Flyin Hawaiian,” Victorino has publicly endorsed his love for spam, something that the folks at PETA are not a fan of. Today, they released a statement directed at the outfielder.

“We suspect that the cruelty in every can of Spam will infuriate Shane more than a high Hiroki Kuroda fastball,” says Shannon. “If Shane likes Spam a lot, he should buy tickets to the Broadway play but leave it off his dinner plate.”

While I chuckled at the first part of PETA assistant director Dan Shannon’s statement, I have zero idea what he’s talking about with the second part. Spam is a play? PETA has hated Spam for a long time because of the atrocities (if you want to be depressed, you can read them here) that take place at the hands of Hormel, the assholes responsible for Spam. If Peta is going to call out Victorino, they might as well call out the fatties on Hawaii’s offensive line that probably bathe in the juice. 

Calling out Victorino comes as a surprise because PETA actually has a strong relationship with the Phillies, naming Citizens Bank Park the best vegetarian park in baseball for two years running. We’ll see if these criticisms do any damage to Victorino’s psyche tonight. If PETA wants to complain about Shane Victorino, they should probably complain about Jonathan Broxton too, who has probably endangered three species of pig by himself.

As a continuation from the National League tale of the tape, let’s take a look at the two remaining American League teams; the Boston Red Sox and the Tampa Bay Rays.  More specifically, lets take a look at the obnoxious Red Sox nation and how they compare to the fierce rays that swim around in the tank in right-center field at Tropicana Field.

Height/Weight:
Red Sox Fan: Usually like six foot brah, weighin in at a hefty 230 but it’s 230 pounds worth of Red Sox blood.  GO SAWX.
Rays: Can grow up to 25 feet in width and can weigh up to 5,000 lbs.

Introduction to baseball:
Red Sox Fan: Came in around 2002 with the rise of the Red Sox in the AL East division standings.  Followah of Kevin Millah, Big Papih, and, of course, the Caaaap, Jason Varitehk.
Rays: Came into the league in 1998 but didn’t matter (unless you gave a shit about who finished last place or reaped the benefits of acquiring one of their countless talented young players in a steal of a trade) until this year.

Typical Friday night:
Red Sox fan: Goin to the Sawx game, of course.  Then aftawards, headin’ down to McGillicutty’s, O’Houlihans, or the Blarney Stone fah a few rounds of Sam Adams and spendin’ the night talkin’ bout the Sawx win.  Love that shit, brah.
Rays: Swimming around a glass tank.

MVP of the team:
Red Sox Fan: DUSTIN PEDROIAH THE DESTROYAH BRAH.  Nawt just MVP of our team, MVP of the world.
Rays: Blub blub, Evan Longoria, blub blub.

Notable feats:
Red Sox Fan: Annoying the shit out of everyone in the United States who isn’t a Red Sox fan.
Rays: Taking down Steve Irwin, someone who was previously thought to be fearless and a superhuman.  RIP.

Yankees?:
Red Sox Fan: Nothin’ I hate more, brah, than tha Yanks.
Rays: We justify our spring training fight as standing up to the man, but the Yankees couldn’t give two shits about it.  We’re still the Rays.

Series History: Up until this year, there wasn’t much of one.  But the Rays have stood up to the Red Sox all year, and I’m sure that, over the course of this season, some stupid ass Red Sox fan got stung by a sting ray at a beach somewhere (Red Sox Nation is everywhere brah).  Likewise, the Rays have battled back and forth with the Red Sox all season, including a sweep in Tampa Bay late in the year.

Outcome: The Red Sox are still the Red Sox, and they’ll put up a fight.  But this year seems to be the year of the Rays.  Tampa seems more confident and more energetic, and I think that’ll translate.  And I also like Tampa’s pitching more than Bostons.  Rays in seven.

In a better effort to figure out who will win the upcoming championship series in baseball, I’ve decided to size up identifyable icons with each team.  Starting in the National League, lets take a look at Philadelphia’s famous mascot versus the Dodgers most identifyable figure (no, it’s not Mexicans) Tommy Lasorda.

Height/Weight:
Phanatic: 7 foot, no idea how much that suit weighs or how fat the guy inside is.
Lasorda: 6 foot, 280 lbs.  (weight is a rough guess, we know he likes cream puffs)

Origins in Major League Baseball:
Phanatic: Debuted in 1978 in a game against the Chicago Cubs.
Lasorda: Took over as Dodgers manager in 1976 after the retirement of Walter Alston.

Stake to fame:
Phanatic: Aside from obnoxious and ridiculous dancing night in and night out, the Phanatic was rated sports’ best mascot by Sports Illustrated.
Lasorda: Was dotted by Vladimir Guerrero’s bat during an All-Star game while coaching third base.  Also won two world championships with the Dodgers.

Notable feats:
Phanatic: Could fit a handful of baseballs inside of his awkward beak while doing pelvic thrusts in front of the opposing team’s dugout.
Lasorda: HAS eaten a handful of baseballs while doing pelvic thrusts in front of Raul Mondesi during a game.

Able to defeat Kimbo Slice in a fight?:
Phanatic: Possibly.  The Phanatic is huge, so size wouldn’t be an issue against Kimbo.  However it’s entirely possible the Phanatic could knock Kimbo down, spend too much time dancing around like a mascot, and get blindsided by Slice while not paying attention.
Lasorda: Doubtful.  Lasorda has his mind on the post-fight buffet.

How do they roll:
Phanatic: On an ATV
Lasorda: Probably in some ballin Mercedes or BMW.  I’ve never seen Tommy driving around, but I assume he settles for something highbrow.

Series history: The Phanatic once stomped out a lifesize doll of Tommy Lasorda during a Dodgers Phillies game while Lasorda was managing.  Tommy responded by running out of the dugout and kicking the Phanatics’ ass.  The game was nationally televised.  Nice.

Outcome: Though I like the Phanatic’s ability to hang around like an STD, I don’t think his Phightin Phils will be able to do the same.  Tommy Lasorda has been personally giving Manny Ramirez massages since Manny’s arrival in Los Angeles.  The result has been a superhuman effort.  Lasorda and the Dodgers will take this in six.

Hosts: Kevin, Rich, Ryan

In this episode we take a look at the Major League Baseball playoffs.  At the time of this recording two games had been played in both National League Series and one game in each of the American League series.  We talk about the troubles facing the Cubs, Brewers, and Angels and look at how we think the Rays-White Sox series will play out.

 

 MLB Playoffs 1 [19:40m]: Play Now | Play in Popup | Download

The deadline trade that brought Manny Ramirez to Los Angeles is looking more and more brilliant with each home run he hits.  Manny has been flat out unconscious since coming to California, hitting .400 in that span with 19 home runs and over 50 rbi’s.  The Dodgers have transformed from a middle of the road team that may have had more expectations on its new manager than a postseason berth into a hitting machine, bruising through the final month of the season and currently standing with an all but guaranteed playoff series win versus the Cubs after two convincing beat downs at Wrigley.  Give the credit to Manny.

Believe what you will, but this stretch that Manny has put together is hardly a fluke.  Ramirez is one of the greatest hitters to ever play the game, and is evidencing that now more than ever in Los Angeles.  At 36 years old, Ramirez is proving that when he tries on a consistent basis, he’s damn near unstoppable.  Now that he’s become united with a much more laid back region of the country, it appears as if Manny has found a match made in heaven.  He can get away with being a lazy and off the wall character because he fits right in with half of Southern California.  The guy wears #99 for Gods’ sake.  He doesn’t have to deal with the tight-assholed pricks in the Northeast who couldn’t stand his antics and let him hear about it everywhere he went.  This is Los Angeles.  These are people who show up to games in the 3rd and leave in the 7th.  Theres ten thousand more important things to do than let Manny know about what a horrible game he had the other night or why he didn’t run out a grounder.

The NL West took a lot of heat during the season (and rightfully so) for being the worst division in baseball.  However, it’s becoming more and more evident with every bomb Manny hits that the Dodgers are one of the strongest teams in the playoffs.  I don’t know about you, but I haven’t seen someone play this dominant for this long of a stretch since I began watching baseball.  Manny is unconscious, and until he wakes up from his California dream, there’s no reason to think the Dodgers are going to slow down.

As a continuation from Ryan’s look at the National League, I scoured the depths of the archives to find our previews on the American League.  I found that some (Angels) were right on target while others (Tigers) wouldn’t have hit water if it fell out of a boat.  So lets take a stroll down memory lane…

Baltimore Orioles (Rich)

Got ‘em: “[Nick] Markakis has the potential to be a fantastic all around player and we should see him progress during his third season in the majors.”

Whiff: “[Daniel] Cabrera can’t find the strike zone and the other two can’t stay healthy but, if by some off chance the stars align, the Orioles could have a decent front three.”

Boston Red Sox (Kevin)

Got ‘em: “The right side of the infield in Dustin Pedroia and Kevin Youkilis will provide consistency throughout the year as both of these players continue to develop in their own right. Pedroia can hit for average and certainly is a rally starter, and Youkilis is just a solid all around offensive player…”

Whiff: “Then there is Dice-K, who for all his pomp in coming over to the United States, never really lived up to his hype. He might be a good third or fourth starter, but if they need him to step into the role of the number two starter they’re going to be hurting a bit.”

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