What’s the best way to cover up the fact that you had two garbage time catches and were rendered entirely useless against the Dolphins?  Talk shit about their best defensive player, of course.  After getting punched in the mouth all day by Joey Porter and the Dolphins defense and hearing Porter talk about Brandon Marshall being a quitter on the offense if he doesn’t get the ball early, Marshall fired back with some ignorant shit of his own.

“Yeah, Joey Porter’s one of them guys, when you got guys who talk a lot of trash, just want to talk about people or put people down, they have their own insecurities,” Marshall said. “And his insecurities I don’t know. But he’s definitely one of those guys who all those muscles are popcorn muscles. He’s soft.”
“You know, we hear stories floating around the league all the time about him as far [as being] in nightclubs dancing with his shirt off like a girl or in the playground getting beat up back in California,” Marshall said. “He’s one of those guys that no matter how big he is, he can still get knocked on his butt and he’s soft. He’s soft at heart and you can tell by the way he talks.”
“And his nickname is ‘Peezy.’ I don’t know what ‘Peezy’ is.”

This is smart.  How about going across the middle, Brandon.  How about asking the quarterbacks who Porter has blasted 11.5 times this year if his muscles are made of popcorn.  And comparing Porter to another guy who grinds in the club without a shirt on?  That’s just low.  Maybe Marshall should spend more time concerning himself with his lackluster performance of late.  How does a guy like him go off for 18 catches in a game and then only find the rock twice in another.  We know Cutler and Marshall are butt buddies; it’s not like that diabetic hick isn’t looking to get him the ball.

I have a better idea.  Instead of popping off to the media about a guy you won’t see again this year, why don’t you concern yourself with your own team; a team that has lost three games in a row and looks like a complete disaster.

While watching the Miami Dolphins humiliate the San Diego Chargers yesterday, I had a stunning revelation. Fins quarterback Chad Pennington looks exactly like Michael Cera of “Superbad” and “Arrested Development” fame. Even though Pennington has a good 12 years on Cera, they both look like they’re about 14 years old. 

It was fitting I make this connection on a day when Pennington continued his own Infinite Playlist of owning the San Diego Chargers. With the win, Pennington is now 4-0 in his career against the Bolts, throwing 6 touchdowns and 0 interceptions.

In this episode we take a look at the AFC East.  We start off getting prescription drugs from Nick Kaczur with the New England Patriots and then smoke weed with Kevin Faulk move onto the rest of the division.  Of course a look at the AFC East wouldn’t be complete without illegally taping other teams signals talking about the new poster boy for the New York Jets.   You might be interested to see us wear crappy gray hoodies hear our predictions about how this division will play out, they seem to go against the common trend now.

Hosts: Kevin, Rich, Ryan

 

 AFC East [25:43m]: Play Now | Play in Popup | Download

Prior to his decision to join Dancing with the Stars, I didn’t have much of an opinion on Jason Taylor.  He’s a hell of a football player and he’s stuck in Miami on the worst team in the NFL.  Since Taylor started prancing around like a fruitcake, however, his attitude about football has seemed to change and the media seems to think anything and everything he says about his football future is important.

Taylor did an interview a few weeks ago saying that his role on Dancing with the Stars wouldn’t affect his status on the Dolphins and that he’d be there for workouts.  He’d missed voluntary workouts because of the show but maintained that a leader “gets it done when it matters” and that he’d handle his business and set an example for all the young players on the Dolphins.  Wrong. What a crock of shit, Jason.

Now Taylor has stated that he won’t be attending any workouts for the Dolphins and that he’d like to play one more year, whether it’s for the Dolphins or for another team.  Taylor’s mind is elsewhere; he’d rather be wearing an Aladdin costume doing pirouettes on primetime television.  He’s turned his back on his teammates and he’s blatantly lied to them about being the responsible leader that a veteran like himself should be.  Furthermore, he can’t stop putting his face in front of camera’s and spouting off about things that simply aren’t true.  Bill Parcells needs to step up and bitch slap this cat.

Taylor wants to do other crap after football, I get that.  What he needs to do is stop letting his future plans cloud his current standing as a football player.  Cut the crap and play the game, Jason.  Stop lying to your teammates about being a leader and start playing football.

Any “suspense” regarding the first overall draft selection can be put to rest after the Dolphins announced today that they’ve agreed to terms with Michigan offensive lineman Jake Long on a $58 million deal over the next five years. Kaiser Parcells, known for his unwillingness to put up with attitude as well as his desire to build within, opted for Long over other studs such as Virginia defensive end Chris Long, Arkansas running back Darren McFadden, and Boston College quarterback Matt Ryan.

Before I get too wrapped up in a rant, I should clarify that I believe Jake Long will be a great offensive lineman. He’s too physically sound to struggle with the move to the NFL and considering he won’t be holding out of camp (which always pisses me off and I never understand) Long will be able to adjust to the Dolphins offense in both mini camp and training camp. If not Long, then who would I have taken in the draft? Darren McFadden.

Set aside McFadden’s personal problems; it’s become too much of a fad to immediately downgrade athletes because of their past and not give them an opportunity to redeem themselves. McFadden has 4.3 speed you can’t teach. He has instincts you can’t explain. He has the explosion and knack for a big play that reminds me of greats such as LaDainian Tomlinson and Barry Sanders. He would immediately make John Beck a better quarterback and the mere fact that he is on the field at any given time requires a defense to adjust to him. He’s a home run hitter, a slam dunk. He is the best athlete in the draft and there isn’t a question about it.

So what about Ronnie Brown? Well, Brown has had issues of his own the past few years. He has yet to play all 16 games in his career, playing just 7 last year and 13 the year before. Durability is an issue with Brown and McFadden would be a perfect fit to spell Brown in the backfield a la Deuce McAllister and Reggie Bush.

There isn’t a better left tackle in the draft than Jake Long but, with Miami also holding the first pick in the second round and New England fore fitting their first rounder, the Dolphins essentially have two first round picks. Great offensive lineman don’t just come from the first round. Great running backs, however, do.

Best of luck to Miami in the rest of the draft. Lets just hope for Miami’s sake that Jake Long isn’t the next Robert Gallery and Darren McFadden isn’t the next LaDainian Tomlinson.

I’ve often wondered what Don Shula is up to these days*. I know he’s running some steakhouses in Miami and I know he’s pimping NutriSystems as a way to taunt Dan Marino about weight loss. But I always assumed he was above the yearly circlejerk that takes place among the still-breathing members of the 1972 Miami Dolphins. You know, the most obnoxious bunch of Senior Citizens east of Phoenix.

Well, apparently Shula is still clinging to that ‘72 season. If the Patriots run the table and go undefeated, Shula feels they should have an asterisk by their accomplishment because of the videotaping scandal. That’s right, the thing that was discovered and snuffed out one week into the NFL season. A controversy that has had little impact on the 2007 season should cancel out any record-breaking achievements Brady and Co. get this year.

Every year, the ‘72 Lolphins celebrate the last undefeated team losing with an enormous party complete with champagne and presumably, pi�atas. I’m getting tired of it. Hank Aaron watched his record fall and responded with grace and class. The ‘72 Lolphins are doing no such thing. Looking for an asterisk, Don? If the Patriots do the unthinkable, they’ll have finished the season 19-0, while you guys were only able to muster 17-0. How about we asterisk your wrinkly ass?

If you’re looking for the perfect solution to silence these pricks, look no further than the events already taking place in South Beach this season. The Miami Dolphins are currently 0-8 and still have a difficult schedule left. Wouldn’t it be sweet to see the ‘72 Dolphins’ record fall in the same year the Dolphins go 0-16? I’d love it. I know those 0-14 Tampa Bay Buccaneers from 1976 have been waiting to crack open some champagne. Let’s hope they get the chance.

* Not true