Dear Hank,

Let me start this quite simply so we are clear on where I stand.  I can’t stand you.  I think you’re a disgrace to the sport of baseball, I think you have no place running one of the greatest franchises ever, and I think you should never EVER open your mouth.  You confirmed this thought of mine by your bitching and moaning comments today about the current state of baseball.  According to the New York Daily News, you said this Hank, “The biggest problem is the divisional setup in major league baseball” you said that you hate the divison set up now, but you hated it  in the 1970’s too.  And of course because you’re an almighty deity you, you didn’t even give us a better way to align the divisions.  You just bitch and moan that the Dodgers don’t belong in the playoffs because the NL West sucks.

So what do you propose Hank?  That we just ignore divsions and give the top four teams in each league a playoff spot?  Okay fine, your team still doesn’t make it.  You say its “not fair” that the Dodgers are in.  You’re the head of the Yankees and you want to talk about fair Hank?  How about we have a chat with the Orioles, Blue Jays and Rays.  Hell let’s bring in all the small market teams from around the league, and lets see what they think about you complaining about things not being fair.  I’m guessing they would feel as bad for you as Ohio State fans feel for Michigan fans right now.

Another great line from you Hank, you say that if L.A. were in the AL East they wouldn’t be in the playoff conversation.  I find that fascinating, Hank, and so does this map. In case you’re struggling with that, notice that Los Angeles is on the left side of that map (we call that the West) and New York is on the right (we call that the East), now I know this 1st grade geography is really tough Hank, but having L.A. in the A.L East doesn’t make any sense.  In fact, it makes about as much sense as you complaining about things not being fair.

Enjoy your billion dollar stadium, destorying history and getting no sympathy from everyone.  And I’ll end by suggesting you take that stick out of your ass, and get those sour grapes out of your office.  There’s no place for them or you in Major League Baseball.

Sincerely,
The guy who thought he would never have wanted George Steinbrenner back in charge of the Yankees so badly.

Dear Pacman,

Hello, old friend. I must confess that the 2007 NFL season was missing some of its luster without your presence. Aside from giving us weekly material to write about, it’s safe to say fans missed your playmaking ability with the Titans. With that out of the way, let’s talk about your recent strip club antics, shall we?

A woman has come forward and claimed you sucker-punched her at an Atlanta strip club. Gee Pac, doesn’t this feel like Deja Vu? No pun intended. I know, I know; innocent until proven guilty. But let’s face it, Pac. We’ve gone through this before. If something comes up involving your sorry ass, people are going to believe it. And if those allegations include strip clubs and violence, hell, it has to be true.

Did you think you were back in TNA Wrestling? Or do you really just not have a clue? Slamming stripper’s heads into a stage was bad enough. But now you’re lunging at women and delivering a right hook to a lady’s eye. Next time, make sure you know who you’re hitting. That woman you slugged wasn’t Pinky, Blinky, Clyde, Inky an employee of the strip club. It was an attorney. Whoops.

This doesn’t exactly bode well for your chances of reinstatement into the NFL. But it’s becoming obvious that you don’t seem to give a shit about the NFL, the Tennessee Titans, or anybody else. If you did, you wouldn’t be caught dead in another strip club. And you definitely wouldn’t be caught assaulting people in said strip club.

Dear Mr. Payton,

Hello. First of all, I’d like to commend you on your performance last season. You helped resurrect a franchise (and city) that was in despair, guiding them to the NFC Championship. But here’s a news flash. It’s not 2006 anymore. It’s now 2007. Congratulations! You had a good first year! Now unless you and your 0-3 team want to look like a flash in the pan to the rest of the league, you might want to start pulling your head out of your ass. Luckily, I’m here to give you a couple points on how to address the situation.

Get Back to Basics. I understand Deuce McAllister is now out for the season with a torn ACL. Send Deuce my regards. As he begins a brutal rehab, your team is limping (pun intended) into the bye week at 0-3. Let me ask you Sean. What’s your identity? Your staff’s playcalling is similar to how I play Madden. Rather than running the ball between the tackles, you seem hellbent on getting Reggie Bush in space. It’s not working. He’s supposed to compliment your offense, not have everything go through him. Reggie Bush isn’t at the versatile level of a Tomlinson or Westbrook so stop pretending he is.

More Basics! Last night, you called all sorts of marijuana-induced plays that had no chance of success. Whether it was having Reginald run in circles in the backfield or calling toss flea-flickers and reverses, it wasn’t working. Stop playing cute! Throw the ball downfield to those tall receivers and stop throwing to Eric Johnson in the flats. I’ll admit, you’re not the only team with an identity crisis. But that team has Norv Turner. What’s your excuse?

Take That Secondary Out to Pasture: Now, Sean. I’m not Sports Illustrated. I didn’t put your team in the Super Bowl because I watched enough of your games last year to know your defense was mediocre. This year, they’ve shed the mediocre label. They’re officially awful. I can see getting beat by Peyton Manning. Hell, I’ll even give you the road loss in Tampa. But returning to the Super Dome should have been inspired your defense to kick ass, ala last year’s home opener.

Last night was a blast in the past. The Saints, ESPN’s proclaimed America’s Team, were getting booed by their home fans. Are you still the Saints, Sean? Or should I drop the “S” for old time’s sake?

Dear Larry Johnson,

Let me be the first to congratulate you on your payday. Today, you ended your 25 day holdout and secured a five year extension worth $45 million, with $19 million of that guaranteed. It’s not LaDainian Tomlinson money, but it’s enough to make those sleepless, sore nights worth it. At this point in your carer, you’ve proved you’re worth the fat salary.

Last year was quite a year for you, wasn’t it Larry? You set the NFL record for most carries in a season with 416. Your name appears ahead of both Jamal Anderson and James Wilder in the NFL record books. What’s that mean? Well, let’s take a look at how Anderson and Wilder fared after their backbreaking groundbreaking seasons. Anderson, known affectionately as “The Dirty Bird,” carried the rock 410 times in 1998, helping the Falcons get all the way to the Super Bowl. The next year, he blew out his knee and never had more than 282 carries in a season again. As for Wilder, who carried the ball 407 times in 1984, it wasn’t much better. After another strenuous workload the following year, he faded into obscurity.

Let’s be honest, Larry. With Herm Edwards running the show in Kansas City, your chances of surviving this workload aren’t very good. Your 752 carries in consecutive years is another NFL record. And trust me, those two years were a lot easier than this one will be. Those teams had Willie Roaf and Will Shields, not to mention a veteran quarterback and elite tight end. This year’s Chiefs feature a rebuilt offensive line, no Trent Green, and a declining Tony Gonzalez. Yay!

Have a fun year, Larry! With that $19 million guaranteed, you’ll be able to afford all the ice your knees can handle.

Sincerely,

Ryan.

Dear Dude Who Caught Bonds’ 755th Home Run Ball,

How I envy you so. You’re not married, you don’t have health insurance, you’re a plumber, and you seem like a guy who floats through life without much happening. Yet somehow, through a convergence of hell and heaven, Barry Bonds 755th home run ball, a million dollar piece of leather, fell into your hands after ricocheting off the second deck of the left field bleachers at Petco Park. And while you’ll ultimately be the one reaping the rewards of selling (or keeping) the ball, I’d like to give you a few options to consider.

Keep the ball. If there’s one thing we learned from the movie Sandlot, it’s that old crotchety men keep valuable home run balls. You too could be that guy! While many people are already beginning the speculation that there will be another who comes along and takes down the home run record (A-Rod! Pujols! Ryan Howard! That 13 year old who has a great swing in Pony!), breaking the hallowed 755 home run mark won’t come along very often. Keep the ball, don’t be drawn in by the money offers, and pass it on through the generations of your family. Eventually it’ll end up on someone’s mantle all faded and in a glass case and someone will ask what that ball is from. You’ll be a legend.

Sell it! I can just hear it now. “Do i hear $500,000? $500,000! Do I hear $700,000? $700,000! Do I hear $1,000,000?” Face it, you’re a plumber. Money is tight and life isn’t. Here’s a quick way to make a couple (thousand) bucks and set yourself for a few years. Keep working, it’ll be a way of stashing that money away and always having it in case you want to spring for a new car or a trophy wife. If you hold on to the ball, it might lose value. Think about that guy who caught McGwire’s home run ball. He held on to it and only made off with a little over $100,000. You could do better. There’s enough rich folk in this world who want a piece of history to put in an acid-resistant box and never look at again to shell out seven figures for a record breaker. Set yourself up for life, you apparently need it.

Give the ball back to Bonds. Probably the worst idea of the three that have been listed. That prick home run king has already said he’s not interested in the ball, but giving it back is always a great sign of charity. And hey, you never know. He might be generous enough to give you his jock strap cleats and a signed bat or something. There’s always room for the guy who just wants to donate to charity and you could be it! Better yet, just give it to the Hall of Fame. I’m sure they’ll know what to do with it.

Blow the ball up. Even worse than the idea I had before. Cubs fans tried this a few years back with the ball Bartman “allegedly” interfered with. Cubs still haven’t won a World Series since then. What would destroying it prove? That you’ve got a bigger fan ego than the rest of the sports world and don’t care about some tainted record? No, it’d just prove that you’re a jackass. We know that it would be a blast to run this stupid ball over with a steamroller and vent all your pent-up steroid hate but let’s be realistic here. In ten years when you’re still broke, you’d wish you would have kept the ball in tact, one way or another.

Well, there you go big shot. Your name will forever be linked with history and your decision on what to do with the ball will forever be influenced by money and a bunch of people looking to get a cut. Me? Nah, I don’t want any of your earnings. Just heed my advice and all will be fine.

Dear Mr. Ainge,

You’ve taken lots of heat for your management of the Boston Celtics over the last year or two, and with good reason. You’ve taken one of the NBA’s proudest franchises and driven them straight into the ground. Your star player, Paul Pierce, voiced plenty of frustration over management and even made a demand: Bring some veteran talent in here or trade my ass. You’ve sacked up, swallowed your ego and made some good moves.

I’m going to completely ignore the fact that your team will be dogshit in four or five years once Pierce, Garnett, and Allen reach washed-up status. Acquiring Kevin Garnett was a bold move that will pay huge dividends over the next few years. But he isn’t getting any younger, impressive stats aside. Neither is Ray Allen, acquired for the 5th overall pick in one of the deepest NBA Drafts ever. Al Jefferson, Ryan Gomes and Gerald Green are all going to grow into stars in Minnesota. But they weren’t stars yet. Garnett is. He’s the big acqusition that will sell jerseys and encourage fans to return to the Boston Garden TD Banknorth Garden.

In the weak Eastern Conference, you have a couple options. You can try to get by with a mediocre team and achieve a 7 or 8 seed and a losing record. In my opinion, that’s what this year’s Celtics would have been without “The Big Ticket.” But with Garnett now in the fray, this is a team that’s completely capable of winning the Atlantic Division and getting some home court advantage in the playoffs.

I’d also like to applaud your former teammate, Timberwolves GM Kevin McHale. Trading Garnett will obviously piss some people off. But let’s be honest. It was a trade that was years in the making. Now, the Timberwolves pick up some new pieces to go alongside guys like Randy Foye and Corey Brewer. If you were in charge of the Lakers, maybe Kobe Bryant wouldn’t be so emo these days.