Usually, we refrain from posting criminal stories unless they involve professional athletes. But in the case of Tom Porras, a track coach at Saguaro High School, I’m going to make an exception. Most high school coaches are creepy as all hell. Porras is a bit more than creepy. He’s a part time masseuse, part time pedophile.

Porras invited a 17 year old member of the track team to his house, promising her an “athletic massage.” Where I come from, massages usually aren’t performed on teenage girls by their coach but I digress. As expected, the massage became all sorts of weird.

Porras told her to put on her two-piece bathing suit, and led her to a loft where he asked her to sit on an exercise ball. He massaged her neck and shoulders then asked her to roll onto her stomach. He fondled her buttocks beneath her bathing suit. Porras kissed her neck, cheeks and buttocks, and told her that if she had questions about sex, he would answer them. She declined. The girl told police she “felt uncomfortable, but didn’t know what to do.” She became alarmed when he ejaculated on her. He told her it was massage oil.

Johnny Drama can vouch for a happy ending at his local massage parlor but this is a bit much. Porras, the piece of shit that he is, was charged with one count of sexual assault and another count for indecency. As the girl was leaving, Porras told her to be on the lookout for his son. If she was confronted, she was instructed to say they were watching “sports videos” together. The Siamese Masseuse does not approve.