Dear Dude Who Caught Bonds’ 755th Home Run Ball,

How I envy you so. You’re not married, you don’t have health insurance, you’re a plumber, and you seem like a guy who floats through life without much happening. Yet somehow, through a convergence of hell and heaven, Barry Bonds 755th home run ball, a million dollar piece of leather, fell into your hands after ricocheting off the second deck of the left field bleachers at Petco Park. And while you’ll ultimately be the one reaping the rewards of selling (or keeping) the ball, I’d like to give you a few options to consider.

Keep the ball. If there’s one thing we learned from the movie Sandlot, it’s that old crotchety men keep valuable home run balls. You too could be that guy! While many people are already beginning the speculation that there will be another who comes along and takes down the home run record (A-Rod! Pujols! Ryan Howard! That 13 year old who has a great swing in Pony!), breaking the hallowed 755 home run mark won’t come along very often. Keep the ball, don’t be drawn in by the money offers, and pass it on through the generations of your family. Eventually it’ll end up on someone’s mantle all faded and in a glass case and someone will ask what that ball is from. You’ll be a legend.

Sell it! I can just hear it now. “Do i hear $500,000? $500,000! Do I hear $700,000? $700,000! Do I hear $1,000,000?” Face it, you’re a plumber. Money is tight and life isn’t. Here’s a quick way to make a couple (thousand) bucks and set yourself for a few years. Keep working, it’ll be a way of stashing that money away and always having it in case you want to spring for a new car or a trophy wife. If you hold on to the ball, it might lose value. Think about that guy who caught McGwire’s home run ball. He held on to it and only made off with a little over $100,000. You could do better. There’s enough rich folk in this world who want a piece of history to put in an acid-resistant box and never look at again to shell out seven figures for a record breaker. Set yourself up for life, you apparently need it.

Give the ball back to Bonds. Probably the worst idea of the three that have been listed. That prick home run king has already said he’s not interested in the ball, but giving it back is always a great sign of charity. And hey, you never know. He might be generous enough to give you his jock strap cleats and a signed bat or something. There’s always room for the guy who just wants to donate to charity and you could be it! Better yet, just give it to the Hall of Fame. I’m sure they’ll know what to do with it.

Blow the ball up. Even worse than the idea I had before. Cubs fans tried this a few years back with the ball Bartman “allegedly” interfered with. Cubs still haven’t won a World Series since then. What would destroying it prove? That you’ve got a bigger fan ego than the rest of the sports world and don’t care about some tainted record? No, it’d just prove that you’re a jackass. We know that it would be a blast to run this stupid ball over with a steamroller and vent all your pent-up steroid hate but let’s be realistic here. In ten years when you’re still broke, you’d wish you would have kept the ball in tact, one way or another.

Well, there you go big shot. Your name will forever be linked with history and your decision on what to do with the ball will forever be influenced by money and a bunch of people looking to get a cut. Me? Nah, I don’t want any of your earnings. Just heed my advice and all will be fine.