It’s been a rough offseason for NFL commissioner Roger Goodell. First, he’s had to deal with a number of dumbass players. But now? He’s even dealing with players’ parents. Kimberly Witten, the mother of Cowboys tight end Jason Witten, was arrested on Thursday. She’s been charged with stealing about $5,500 from a bank account that’s not hers.

Detective Will Johnson said Thursday that Kimberly Witten, 48, made 25 withdrawals from the Carter County Bank account of Marie McQueen beginning last November.

Investigators quoted Witten as saying she obtained McQueen’s bank account information from a statement mistakenly delivered to her mailbox.

When Mrs. Witten got the mail, she had a choice. She could take McQueen’s mail and shred it. Or she could call her and get it sorted out. Instead, Witten took option three: Steal McQueen’s shit. It may have worked too if she wasn’t a complete jackass about it. Maybe McQueen wouldn’t have noticed a couple withdrawals spread out over a few months. But 25 relatively small withdrawals? That raises some eyebrows.

Seriously, what the hell are you thinking? They must not be big on brains down in Tennessee. Why even resort to stealing a relatively petty amount of money from a complete stranger? Is it worth hacking somebody’s pin for that amount of money? If you’re going to commit robbery, make it count. Or better yet, call your son. Jason is due to make close to $30 million over the next five or six years. Good thinking Kim, good thinking.

The art of fans running onto the field is something I will never quite understand, let alone try and do. In the past, there have been incidents where fans have come onto the field simply to jerk off and run around, and there have also been incidents where fans have come onto the field and tried to attack players or managers. Last night was something in between those two.

After Rockies shortstop Troy Tulowitzki hit a jack to put the Rockies within one run of completing a five run comeback, a fan jumped onto the field. The fan charged at reliever Bob Howry, though he was decked with a clothesline before he could reach Howry.

“As soon as I turned around the guy clotheslined him and took him down,” said Howry. “He said, ‘What are you doing?’ I’m trying to give up home runs, what do you think?”

You’ve got to love the sense of humor Howry had during the incident. While he’s not that great of a reliever, it’s pretty well understood that he’s trying to get guys out. Knowing that, you’ve really got to credit the fan with one of the most ignorant questions in recent history. But more importantly, you have to credit the fan with being one of the biggest morons in recent history as well. Even on one of your worst days, when the chips are against you and you’re at a ball game where beer is readily available, why in the hell would you run on the field? That is, of course, unless you like getting hammered into the ground, carried out of the stadium in cuffs, and being banned from the ballpark for the rest of your life.

If I were a player, I’d be ready to throw down. You have no idea what the fans intentions are, or if they might have a blade or a gun. Hell, once you enter the field, you’re in the ring and you should be fair game. Anyone who is stupid enough to think they can attempt to take on a 25 man major league roster should get their face rearranged.

Sometimes I think we over exaggerate when we say that NFL players get arrested once every other day. Then there are other times when I realize that it’s actually true and NFL players continue to do ignorant shit day in and day out. Go ahead and throw Dolphins defensive end Frederick Evans into that group.

Evans was tasered and arrested early Saturday by Miami Beach Police for doing a whole number of criminal activities. Here’s the list. Evans was charged with battery on a law enforcement officer, disorderly conduct, resisting with violence and trespassing. Wow. If we’re giving out awards for longest list of charges I think Evans takes the cake. Even Pacman Jones is impressed.

I’m not sure what to say about this situation that I haven’t already said about the million other criminal cases involving athletes. Evans pukes in a taxi, gets tasered, and then starts brawling with police. What a brilliant sequence of events. As if the police weren’t sending a clear enough message when they busted out the electric shock, Evans had to fight back and prove his point.

In all likelihood there will be a suspension handed down while Evans gets his life sorted out. I’d probably care if he was relevant, but lets face it nobody really cared about Frederick Evans before this incident anyways.

Tank Johnson just can’t seem to stay out of the way of himself lately. Johnson was pulled over by police early Friday when he was doing 40 in a 25 mph zone. Police took Johnson into custody under suspicion that he was driving under the influence. The test results for the blood test have yet to be announced.

For the sake of Tank, I hope that he wasn’t hammered when he was pulled over. Here’s a guy who just got out of the slammer on gun charges, ate his share of food while there, and is now facing an eight game suspension for the upcoming season. That suspension could be reduced to six games if Tank acts appropriately during his suspension. Getting pulled over in the early morning while buzzed or hammered probably isn’t going to help reduce the suspension, Boss.

The NFL needs to sit Tank and Pacman together in a room and have a serious heart to heart with the two. Is there something they just don’t understand about being in the public eye? Why is it so hard to be home at a reasonable time and not drive after sipping the fire water? Don’t these guys have enough money to pay people to drive for them?

Until the police department releases the test on his blood alcohol level, we won’t know if he was drunk or not. My guess would be that he was under the influence, but that’s just me having a hunch. It’s easy to do when this kind of stuff happens to NFL players once every other day.

The more I hear about Pacman Jones, the more I begin to believe that this guy is about as?lost as they come.? Pacman’s name has surfaced yet again with law enforcement as he’s being questioned about a shooting that took place outside of a strip club.? While Pacman wasn’t making it rain at the club, it is believed that he has connections with those who did fire shots into a car outside of the Atlanta strip club.

Before I can even get into this whole mess, I want to know what his fascination is with strip clubs?? Why is this guy always at strip clubs causing trouble?? He was at a strip club the night before his meeting with commander in chief commish Roger Goodell.? Does he not learn?? If you put your hand on a hot stove, you learn not to do it again.? If you touch a hot curling iron, you don’t do it again.? If you go to a strip club and get chained up for firing off a gun, you don’t go back.? You don’t go back unless your name is Adam Pacman Jones.

Here’s a guy who is on the verge of getting kicked out of the NFL, and yet he doesn’t seem to care.? Here’s a guy who is suspended for the entire 2007 season and is still somehow causing trouble.? Here’s a guy who has flat out screwed over the entire Tennessee Titans organization and brought more trouble to them than good.? It baffles me to see his name surface every two weeks about a shooting or a fight at a club.? Stay the hell away from it.

Someone needs to be hired to lock his ass inside his own house and keep him there.? Change the locks, put them on the outside of the doors, and hide the keys.? Here’s an idea for Pacman.? Smoke tree.? Ricky Williams does it all the time and he only gets slapped with four game suspensions.? Pacman elects to pack heat instead of bowls and gets hit with a season long suspension.? Or how about this.? Why doesn’t he just act civilized and control himself like 99% of this country.? If you’re famous like he is, why would you roll and stir up trouble with an entourage of goons that I can only imagine are just as ignorant and screwed up as he is.? I’m past the point of wishing he would just avoid all this trouble and now I’ve begun openly rooting for his demise.? Here’s to your banishment from the NFL, Pacman.? Don’t let the door hit you on the ass on the way out.

In all my years of going to sporting events, I’ve rarely seen an arena ride a player as much as Vin Baker at Madison Square Garden. The former NBA all-star looked lost on the court and couldn’t stop making idiotic. mistakes. Well, it turns out post-NBA Vin Baker is having similar luck. Baker was charged with drunken driving early this morning, yet another incident in a troubled past.

The 35-year-old Baker was spotted driving erratically after leaving Foxwoods Resort Casino, according to a state police report. He failed a sobriety test and was charged with driving while impaired.

State police spokesman Lt. J. Paul Vance described Baker’s demeanor as cooperative.

It’s often amusing to speak about DUIs but in the case of Vin Baker, it’s a bit of a downer. He’s had bouts of depression and alcoholism throughout his life and it looks like they’re still a problem. He was known to show up to practices smelling of alcohol, though we’re not sure if he ever “got his Goose on.” I understand being saddened about playing for the Knicks and Clippers but let’s try to keep that under control Vin.

On a night when I dreamed about getting a DUI after driving up a curb and smashing a mailbox (no joke), I’ve woken up to another athlete who lets alcohol get the best of him. The Foxwood Indian Casino, where Baker was before getting the DUI, likely had rooms available. That would have been a much safer call for Vin.