As you can tell, we’re real excited about EURO 2008, which begins Saturday in Austria and Switzerland. With 16 European nations in the mix, most of you probably have your rooting interests already set in stone. But what if you’re still looking for a team to cheer for? Well, kensai from Fire Ned Colletti Now has you covered.

16 teams will go into Euro 2008 looking to emerge as the best international side in Europe. Unfortunately, many fans from other countries are left out of this competition because they have no squad to root for. One of the few options available to these fans (including yours truly) is to put traditional loyalties aside and become a bandwagon jumper. Yes, the term “bandwagon jumper” carries a heavy negative connotation amongst fans, but goddamnit, I just don’t care. All I know is that I’m not missing out on the fan experience during one of the best 3 weeks in international soccer, and that’s that.

Anyway, before I get into what countries people should choose to bandwagon, let me give a short public announcement for the following groups of people who need not jump on a new team. These people are:

1) Those who are ethnically linked to a country in Euro 2008. Sorry, but you don’t qualify if you are 1/128th Spanish or some other bullshit like that. At a certain point, your blood is so diluted that even the Spanish would disown you. Come on, you have to be at least 1/4th ethnic blood of that given country.

2) Those who own citizenship to a country in Euro 2008. This is the most common sense one of them all, but people still don’t seem to abide by it much. And yes, I actually mean official citizenship, not cheering for Turkey because you once used a Turkish bath.

3) Those who grew up in, or are a long standing resident of, a country in Euro 2008. Probably the most confused and abused group. Here you’ll find those who claim Italy just because they once went on a vacation there, or those who cheer for France because they “boned a French chick once, dude”. No, those douches do not qualify as real fans; do not believe their lies.

While a lot of those groups may seem obvious to the semi-intelligent individual, I assure you it’s anything but obvious to the gobs of morons out there in the world.

Anyway, all of this serves the purpose of setting up our final group, the ones who this article was written for in the first place. Don’t meet any of the aforementioned requirements, you say? No clue what makes Czech Republic and Austria different? Can’t even locate either country on the map? Well this article is for you, Mr. Super Confused Bandwagon Jumper. And without further ado, here’s the quick and dirty guide to choosing a team for Euro 2008.

Russia-In Soviet Russia, balls kick you! But seriously, this is for the alcoholic. And i’m not talking about the stupid frat boys who just think it’s cool to say “omg bro, did you see me the other night when I totally drank like 3 Miller Lites? I was so totally wasted! I’m such a total alcoholic, bro!” No, I’m talking about the real alcoholic, the kind who drinks jet fuel because vodka isn’t hard enough for them.

Austria-Are you a masochist? Austria is for you! Watching this group of hacks attempt to compete against European powers will be equivalent to slamming a hammer against your balls for 3 straight games. How bad are they? Bad enough that their own countrymen are begging for them to withdraw.

Italy-For the narcissistic individual whose profession is as one of the Vespa thrower guys. Other things that may attract you to Italy include excessive whining, diving, and man prettiness.

Portugal-While many feel that Italy takes the cake in regards to diving, I think one player alone pushes Portugal over the top. That player is none other than Cristiano Ronaldo. Why? Simple, I have never seen a sadder sight than Cristiano’s leaping, pleading, leg grabbing, pussy face having, super dive during World Cup 2006. If there ever were an award for best dive of all-time, that would certainly have to be the winner. Ballerinas and individuals on their school’s diving team are the ones that should follow Portugal. Who knows, by watching all the flopping about, you just might pick up something you can use in competition.

Switzerland-If you are a virgin, the Swiss are for you. In their two previous Euro appearances, the Swiss have scored a grand total of 2 goals. Apparently Swiss neutrality prevents them from scoring. Though chances are you’re not a virgin because you’re neutral, it’s probably because you’re ugly.

Poland-Is your waist size higher than your IQ? The Pollacks are for you! It’s also a good choice if you have daily nightmares of Miroslav Klose blitzkrieging through your defense like it was 1939.

Romania-To be honest, I don’t really know much about Romania. I do know, however, that it’s where Dracula does most of his sucking. Yes, I said “sucking” without making a sexual reference. Anyway, I guess all the crazy Goth kids will be into Romania, if for nothing else than to feel closer to being a vampire while they’re performing their serious rituals…in mom’s basement.

France-Their country motto is practically “we surrender”, so France would be for the bandwagon fan that really doesn’t care that much. They would also work out well for the beret wearing, frog’s ass eating, escargot loving, snobby, arrogant, filthy hippie.

Turkey-For people that like to eat turkey! Har har har. No really, I can’t think of anything. Fuck it, nobody really cares about them anyway. Wait, maybe that’s it! Turkey: For the emo kid.

Czech Republic-For the divorcee whose separation from the spouse went along peacefully. Sorta like Czech Republic’s split from Slovakia. But seriously, where’s the fun in that?

Croatia-Now this is a separation to get excited about! Croatia had a messy history during the breakup of Yugoslavia, so this is for the guy whose divorce has been more messed up than Frank Ribery’s face.

Germany-I hate to go with the obvious Hitler dig here, but it’s just so easy. Really though, Hitler must be rolling over in his grave right now. If only he could be alive to see the day where a Ghanaian, a Panamanian, 3 Pollacks, and a Spaniard would suit up for his beloved Germany. Hurensohn!!!

Spain-For the Liverpool fan (like me), because Rafa’s main goal seems to be importing as many Spaniards into Anfield as possible. Spain could also be for the prissy metrosexual (not me), like Vega from Street Fighter.

Greece-I would make a “Spartans loved gay sex” remark here, but that would be too easy. Instead, I think I’m gonna go with “that lucky guy”. You know the type, it’s the guy who hits on 19 in blackjack and magically gets a 2 every single goddamn time. Meanwhile, you’re sitting there at the same table with a solid 20, but then the dealer turns over 21. You want to go over and strangle the life out of “that lucky guy”, but you know inside it’s just because you’re jealous. Well that’s sorta like Greece in 2004. They had no fucking business being anywhere near the title, but they sure as hell got some good timing and some good luck. Now everybody hates them, sorta like “that lucky guy”. Dick.

Sweden-The land of broken IKEA furniture, Volvo cars, and pasty white people. If you meet any of those requirements, you might want to consider the Swedes as your nation of choice. Short and sweet, no?

Netherlands-Is there a more obvious fanbase than this? It’s gotta be for all you hardcore weed smoking druggies out there. Sure, sure, you can say it’s also for those who like windmills and daisies, but nobody’s buying that crap. What they are buying, however, is tons of drugs and hookers, something you can’t wrong with.

So there you have it, your rambling, psychotic guide to bandwagoning a Euro 2008 team. Read it over, choose the country you match best, and ride that bandwagon to the finish line. Enjoy!