Houston, We Have Permission To Launch Mediocrity: The Houston Astros were a major disappointment in 2007, finishing sixteen games below .500 but still somehow finishing fourth in the shitburger that is the NL Central. Pitching was a major issue for the Astros in 2007 so, as a remedy, they went out and acquired shortstop Miguel Tejada, a rapidly declining defender and an enormous distraction given his involvement in the Mitchell Report. Houston, we have a problem.

Bats. The aforementioned Tejada was the big splash that the Astros made over the off-season. Tejada simply can’t play shortstop anymore; he’s too old, his range isn’t what it used to be, and he’s not allowed to take juice to cover up the myriad of other problems with his game. That being said, he still knows how to hit a baseball and, given that Minute Maid Park has the dimensions of a little league field, Tejada should be able to put up respectable numbers in his first season in the National League. Next to him at third base is fat ass Ty Wiggington. Wiggington embodies the player who puts up good numbers but never does it when you are watching. He’s going to hit 20 home runs but you’ll never hear about it and I’ll never see it happen. Maybe someone is fudging his numbers a little bit in exchange for the plethora of fudge Wiggington undoubtedly keeps in his locker.

Carlos Lee is undoubtedly the biggest threat in the Astros lineup and is a guy who also goes about his business quietly. You probably weren’t paying attention (unless you’re one of those five Astros fans leftover from that title run in 05) but Carlos Lee hit 32 home runs last season and had 119 RBI’s to boot. Pound for pound, Caballo might be one of the most pure hitters in the game; a guy who doesn’t strike out much (63 strikeouts and 53 walks), hits over .300 consistently, and has loads of power. Compile the convenience of left field being a stone’s throw from home plate at Minute Maid and Carlos Lee is destined to put up fantastic numbers again this season. Another fat ass on this team is first baseman Lance Berkman. After his Ruthian 06, Berkman’s numbers “dipped” to 34 home runs and 102 RBI’s last season. Berkman’s move to first base was a smart one in terms of longevity and that the Astros didn’t have to watch Berkman and Lee lug their pot-belly’s around in the outfield. I contest that Berkman has one of the ugliest swings in baseball yet, if it hits for the numbers that Berkman posts, who am I to complain or criticize.

Hunter Pence is this year’s David Eckstein. Prepare yourself for ESPN to barrage you with the jocking of Pence’s “go all out every play” mentality. The difference between Pence and Eckstein is that Pence is actually pretty good, hitting .322 in his first major league season and hitting 17 home runs. A concern for me is his strikeouts; 95 in just 108 games last season and, in comparison to his measly 26 walks, a reason for concern given that he’ll probably hit leadoff or near the top of the order.

Pitching. Simply put, the Astros don’t have any. Roy Oswalt has earned his exemption from any bashing of the Astros pitching staff because Oswalt is good for a Cy Young-esque year almost every season despite the bandbox he pitches in. Oswalt is a guy who won’t get much attention this year with the move of Johan Santana to the NL and the inevitable jocking of last year’s two Cy Young candidates Jake Peavy and Brandon Webb. That being said, Oswalt is going to have an ERA that lingers around three and will win 15 to 18 games based on the run support he gets from the clowns behind him. Brandon Backe is the second starter in this rotation and will need to find a way to stay healthy this year after starting a combined 13 games in the past two seasons. If he can’t cut it, it’ll be on Wandy Rodriguez, a man who defied logic with his 2007 season. Rodriguez posted an outstanding 2.94 ERA at Minute Maid but, away from the Juice, got tagged for an ERA over 6. The Astros just placed Woody Williams on unconditional release waivers, shortening their staff even more. To compile that, they’ve brought in Shawn Chacon to win 8 games and have an ERA over 6.

In the bullpen, the Astros feel like they solidified the closer position once and for all. Jose Valverde jumped from the desert to…the desert, immediately taking the closer role given the departure of Brad Lidge. Valverde was outstanding last year, saving 47 games for the D-Backs and posting an ERA of 2.66. In addition to Valverde, the Astros brought in relievers Oscar Villareal, Geoff Geary, and Doug Brocail. Each of these guys brings a sense of talent that the morons in the Astros pen last year couldn’t figure out. As funny as it was to watch Houston’s pitching self-destruct in the 7th and 8th innings, it got tiresome. Thus, complete turnover happened and now the Astros have a whole new group of guys to watch choke away four run leads.

Outlook. I’d say this team is destined for a .500 record, but that might be good enough to win this division. The NL Central is competitive because there are six teams in it, not because any of them do anything particularly well. The Astros have the bats to hang around in the race but their inevitable downfall will come with their lack of pitching.