All Hands on Deck for More Losing! The Pittsburgh Pirates have a couple of things going for them. For starters, they play in a beautiful ballpark and are a franchise rich in history and glory. They also have a badass team name, which opens up tons of opportunities for Pirate puns throughout this preview. But that’s where the fun ends for the Buccos, who haven’t exceeded 75 wins in this millennium. Despite new ownership and management, this season shouldn’t be much different.

Bats. If I wanted to assemble a lineup, I would probably take the skeleton crew of The Black Pearl before this bunch of misfits. Once a franchise loaded with superstars like Barry Bonds and Andy Van Slyke, the modern-day Pirates have few players that generate much excitement. For no reason whatsoever, outfielder Jason Bay went from a rising star to a huge disappointment. After consecutive trips to the All Star Game, Bay’s batting average fell nearly 40 points to a meager .247. His power numbers also fell (35 and 109 in ‘06 to 21 and 84) randomly. At 29 years old, Bay is supposed to be entering his prime. But last year’s fall makes zero sense to anyone interested in Pirates baseball (all six of you). Outside of Bay, the closest thing this lineup has to a star is infielder Freddy Sanchez, who followed up his ‘06 batting crown with another strong season. Sanchez didn’t come close to his .344 average from that season, but he still finished a respectable .304 with a career high 11 homers and 81 RBIs.

Outside of Bay and Sanchez, it’s shipwreck status. The left side of this infield consists of 3rd baseman Jose Bautista and shortstop Jack Wilson. Bautista has seemingly found a home at the hot corner in Pittsburgh, but his .254-15-63 excites nobody. Wilson is a guy identifiable with this Pirates’ reign of futility. Wilson hasn’t done much of anything to justify seven consecutive years of starting at shortstop. But for some reason, the Pirates haven’t made a change. If Wilson continues to be mediocre, we may see a little bit of Chris Gomez, another soft-hitting shortstop that hasn’t played for a winner since the Padres’ 1998 season. Next to Sanchez in the infield is 1st baseman Adam LaRoche, who has blossomed into a quality big league hitter. In his first year with the Pirates, LaRoche hit .272 with 21 homers and 88 RBIs. If LaRoche, Bay and Sanchez all turn in good years, the Pirates may have some run producers in the middle of their lineup.

In the outfield, the Pirates could have a decision to make at center field. Nate McLouth stole 22 bases for the Bucs in ‘06, but his .258 average and .351 OBP aren’t quite worthy of a leadoff role. If McLouth doesn’t pull his head out of his ass and raise that average, I would love to see the Pirates give more at-bats to young Nyjer Captain Morgan, who impressed during his September call-up last year. In right field is Xavier Nady, a talented bat that was able to translate his annual hot start into a solid season. Nady hit .278 and set career highs with 20 HR and 72 RBI.

Arms. A trio of young arms still don’t do enough to excite me. Ian Snell’s solid strikeout numbers (177 in 208 innings) and ERA (3.76) weren’t enough to give him double digits in wins, which is damn near inexcusable. Snell’s tough luck translated into a mediocre 9-12 record, but you can’t blame him much for that; the guy can pitch. He’s followed by talented lefty Tom Gorzelanny, whom I owe a beer to for his solid efforts while playing for my fantasy team. Gorz’ finished the year at 14-10 with a respectable 3.88 ERA. The third talented 20-something, Paul Maholm, hasn’t lived up to his top ten draft pick in 2003. Maholm went 10-15 for the Pirates and hung an ERA over 5. I need to see more out of Maholm, or he’ll be reverted to Zach Duke status, a young pitcher whose promise never panned out into anything but mediocrity.

The Pirates committed a horrible gaffe when they acquired aging pitcher Matt Morris in exchange for promising outfielder Rajai Davis. While Davis went on to steal 17 bases with the Giants in just 51 games, Morris hung an ERA over 6. Lets be honest here. There was zero reason to make this move, considering Morris hasn’t been a halfway decent pitcher since first arriving in the Bay Area a few years back. Morris is a shadow of his former self and would be lucky to crack many big league rotations at this point in his career. Rounding out the rotation is Zach Duke, who is toeing dangerously close to “flop” status. After going 8-2 with an ERA below 2 in 2005, I had high hopes for Duke in 2006. He disappointed me, finishing 10-15 with a 4.47 ERA. That’s okay, right? He’s young, right? Well Duke, explain the 3-8 shitfest with an ERA of 5.53. One more year like that and his ass is walking the plank off this rotation.

If the Pirates’ two good pitchers can get this team into the 9th inning with a lead, they should be in good shape. Closer Matt Capps appears to be the real deal, saving 18 games for this club after being inserted into the role a couple months into the season. He’s so good, Yahoo Sports has him listed twice on the Pirates’ depth chart. Getting to Grabow could be the difficult part. Aside from impressive situational lefty Damaso Marte, there’s no trusted set-up guy to be found. John Grabow, Tyler Yates and Franquelis Osoria are all sketchy at best.

Outlook. If you’re a Pirates fan, you better stock up on your bottles of rum now. You’ll need it during another brutal season. I’m entirely supportive of the Pirates returning to their winning ways. But with a depleted minor league system and declining interest, that renaissance doesn’t appear to be happening anytime soon. Looking to spend a night with the Pirates? I’d just rent Pirates of the Caribbean and make some popcorn, you’ll save yourself lots of heartache.