Brawlers: My Finest Assembly Of Players

Because I’ve been on this unusually long baseball brawl high, I figured I would try and assemble a team of guys who could take down any 25 man roster thrown their way. When I look at these guys, I see a team that could take one between the numbers and instantly be kicking the pitcher’s ass. These are the guys you don’t want to get into fisticuffs with and the guys who have notoriously beat ass throughout their careers.

Catcher. Michael Barrett. This one was almost too easy. Though I nearly swayed to his counter-part, AJ Pierzynski, I remembered that Barrett has thrown down with his own teammates (Carlos Zambrano and Rich Hill). That’s an accomplishment in itself. Tack that on to the haymaker he threw at Pierzynski at Comiskey last year and you have yourself a solid backstop and a certified brawling machine.

First Baseman. Mike Sweeney. It’s a tough one to remember because it was an incident involving the Royals, but Sweeney pulled one of the finest fight techniques in baseball. While charging the then still piece of shit Jeff Weaver, Sweeney tore off his helmet and whipped it at Weaver’s lanky ass. After the great toss, Sweeney dropped Weaver and started throwing blows. For a guy who has spent his whole career holed up in Kansas City, I have to imagine there’s tension brewing. I’d like it if he unleashed it on my opponent in the form of right hooks and haymakers.

Second Baseman. Jeff Kent. Second base was a tough position to pick because there aren’t many guys who like to scrap anymore. Kent is a guy who looks like an old fashioned prick. In fact, he is. Kent also nearly threw down with Barry Bonds during a game in San Diego a few years back, though only shoves were exchanged. With that porn ’stache, I like my guns with Kent at second.

Shortstop. Alex Rodriguez. Here’s a controversial pick mainly because of the position. But hey, its my team so I can play him wherever I want. Though A-Rod is New York’s golden face, he knows how to get dirty every once and a while. Calling off a pop fly to third while he’s running the bases is dirty, and it’s also something that screams ‘I dare you to take a run at me.’ The sucker punch he threw at Jason Varitek a few years ago started a brawl that was worthwhile on so many levels. Beyond his playing skill, this guy has a fire in him that screams for the opportunity to swing on someone.

Third Base. Shea Hillenbrand. Surprisingly it is rather thin around the hot corner. Hillenbrand is a guy who, during the end of his time in Toronto, bitched about not getting playing time. How did he solve the problem? Fighting the manager, and our manager, John Gibbons. I like how this guy thinks. Not getting your way? Why not fight your boss and show him what you really mean.

Outfield. Delmon Young. This one’s pretty obvious. Anyone who wants to take a run at an umpire by throwing a bat at him has some stones. Young did that and therefore made his way onto this roster. Listen, I like guys who can creatively think of ways to injure someone. A twirling bat flying at an umpire really shows that you don’t approve of the call he made. Young thinks on his feet, and thats the type of player I like to see going into action for me.

Outfield. Elijah Dukes. He threatened to kill his wife. Enough said.

Outfield. Matt Stairs. Follow me on this one. Stairs is a guy who has never been a huge success at the major league level. He’s one of those guys who has bounced around from shitty team to shitty team and hit his 20 home runs and moved on. It’s time that Matt Stairs got his dues. Stairs looks like a guy who has a bunch of built up hate in him from all the years when he played on crappy teams. Look at this list: Oakland, Kansas City, Pittsburgh, Montreal, and now Toronto. I once saw him dot first baseman Ken Harvey between the numbers on a throw from right field during a blow out. Think that wasn’t something that happened to be an accident? Me either.

DH Frank Thomas. Frank Thomas has never been the catalyst for a major brawl in sports (to my knowledge at least) but my reasoning for his existence on this team is fairly simple. Aside from his enormous stature, look at his nickname. “Big Hurt.” I want him going to war with me and I’m pretty sure you wouldn’t disagree with that.

Starting Pitcher. Pedro Martinez. Pedro owns the inside part of the plate and isn’t afraid to defend it. If you disagree, ask Gerald Williams or any of the other numerous guys he’s plunked trying to claim the inside third. Pedro isn’t afraid of you and he’s not afraid to let you know that either. The media likes to make a big circus about how he takes pitching to a new “violent” level by throwing inside but I see it as him being a guy who plays the game the way its meant to be played; old fashioned and hard nosed.

Reliever. Kyle Farnsworth. Farnsworth is a guy who you have to circle as someone you wouldn’t want to face in a 25 man fracas. That spear he put on Paul Wilson a few years ago was epic and when I was formulating this team, Farnsworth was the first guy who came to my mind. Dude is a baller, plain and simple.

Manager. John Gibbons.? Gibbons ran our third baseman Shea Hillenbrand out of town by fighting him in the tunnel.? He also fought pitcher Ted Lilly in the same year.? The Blue Jays rewarded Gibbons with a contract extension and we rewarded Gibbons with a spot on this team.

Note: There were plenty of guys who would have been great for this team but had to be left off the list.? If you have any recommendations or fond memories of baseball’s finest fighters, feel free to let us know.

Tagged as: Fighting, MLB, Sucker Punches and Don Zimmer Getting Thrown