The Tampa Bay Devil Rays have yet to have a winning season and, frankly, have yet to even come close. With my guidance and tomorrow’s baseball draft, I have the perfect solution to save baseball in Tampa and turn the Devil Rays organization around. All it takes is following these simple steps.

1. Draft David Price. This is a no-brainer. Price is a unanimous number one pick and has the stuff that will make him a staff ace for years to come. People are comparing him to Mark Prior as far as talent level coming out of college, but I think that comparison lobs too many injury grenades Price’s way. Also, Price isn’t signed with Agent Scott Boras, so his price tag (yes, witty puns are my forte) won’t be as high as some of the other prospects.

2. Change the uniforms. Hey, this is nothing personal against their current color scheme, but with the coming name change from “Devil Rays” to “Rays” (thanks uber-christian activists), it’s time to rock some new threads. Besides, it’s no coincidence that when teams change their uniforms, they have immediate post season success (see Denver Broncos of 1998 & Tampa Bay Buccaneers when they shit-canned Bucco Bruce and tanngerine orange for rustic red). There are enough old people with enough time on their hands to take a day off from Bingo and Cribbage and design a trendy new jersey for their home team.

3. Spend some dough. Yes, Tampa fans, this is a new sort of concept. I’m not entirely sure if Rays management is aware but the free agent pool applies to all 30 teams. That means that you don’t have to enter the season with guys who have no career wins or just flat out suck (cough cough Casey Fossum) in the starting rotation. Pony up some dough and get a headline starter to pitch after Scott Kazmir (Zambrano maybe?). I know Tampa isn’t the biggest market team in the league, but once again I’ll beat the old person drum and suggest bake sales and cookie dough fund raisers. Having only one reliable pitcher won’t win you much, especially in a division like the AL East. Get something.

4. Get rid of Rocco Baldelli. Rays management screwed up in not trading Baldelli at his highest value. Now that the injury prone bastard can’t stay healthy long enough for the Rays to trade him, it’s time to move on. There’s too much talent backed up in this organization to sit on a guy like Baldelli. If they can pawn off troubled outfielder Elijah Dukes in the deal as well, the Rays can expect some immediate return. Get someone other than Carl Crawford that will make people want to come to the ball yard everyday. Jermaine Dye is a guy who comes to mind. Adam Dunn is another one.

5. Get Joe Maddon out. Maddon doesn’t know what he’s doing, plain and simple. His bullpen is a shit show (did you see that lead they blew against the Jays on Tuesday?) and there are plenty of former managers who could do a hell of a better job than Maddon. Another man with the last name of Madden comes to mind.? But if Tampa wants to scratch the Maddon/Madden legacy, then here’s another suggestion.? Where’s Joe Girardi at? Girardi was brilliant with the guppies errrrr Marlins last year. He could do wonders with the Upton/Young/Iwamura youth movement and he would be a good motivator for this team. Young teams need strong leadership, and Girardi is just that.

Well, there you have it Tampa. A recipe for success. If the Rays want to compete with the big shots of the AL East, they’ll have to do something. Standing pat and waiting for farm hands to develop simply won’t do it. The acquisition of Carlos Pena was a step in the right direction, so don’t let him go. And, GM Andrew Friedman, if you need any more helpful hints, you know where to find me.