As you may be aware of, the two months of drawn-out hype that is the NBA Playoffs tip off this weekend. Lots of blogs have already published their first round series previews. Rather than analyze the teams and players, I thought I’d change it up. I’ll be offering two predictions: one based on what I feel will happen. The other prediction will be based on the ferocity of each team’s mascot.

Mavericks (Champ and Mavs Man) vs. Warriors (Thunder): The Mavericks have a distinct advantage here because they have a pair of mascots, as opposed to the Warriors’ lone soldier. Champ, a horse, and Mavs Man, the result of failed DNA splicing, are just too much for Thunder, even if he’s among the scariest mascots in all of sports. How is an 8th seed going be able to handle a handicap match? He might be able to last a little bit longer than some expect but in the end, it’s still 2 on 1.

Actual Prediction: Mavs in 6
Mascot Prediction: Champ and Mavs Man in 6

Rockets (Clutch) vs. Jazz (Bear): Any assumption that everything in Salt Lake City is boring would be correct, considering the name of their mascot. You can’t think of something more descriptive than Bear? What about alto? Tenor? Salt? The Rockets’ mascot isn’t creepy like Golden State’s, it’s just a lovable bear. This one’s pretty even but I like Clutch. He’s been voted as Mascot of the Year in the past so he must be doing something right. If I picked against him, little kids would cry.

Actual Prediction: Rockets in 6
Mascot Prediction: Clutch in 7

Spurs (Coyote) vs. Nuggets (Rocky): Both of these mascots are versatile enough to battle anywhere. Coyote and Rocky both have the ability to take this brawl to the mountains if they need to. Hell, Rocky has mountain peaks in his backyard to climb around. This may have to be decided by the men behind the costumes. Not much is known of Coyote, he’s about as clean-cut as the entire Spurs organization. But the man that plays Rocky was arrested in 2002 for criminal trespassing and domestic violence. Look for Coyote to use some outside help to his advantage. Don’t worry Nuggets fans, they have the perfect counter.

Actual Prediction: Spurs in 5
Mascot Prediction: Rocky in 7

Suns (Gorilla) vs. Lakers (Nothing): The Lakers don’t have a mascot, which automatically makes Gorilla the winner by forfeit. What kind of team doesn’t have a mascot? I’d much rather have the Gorilla visit my school than Kwame Freakin Brown.

Actual Prediction: Suns in 6
Mascot Prediction: Gorilla in Walkover